A common man marvels at uncommon things. A wise man marvels at the commonplace. CONFUCIUS

Tuesday, 30 December 2008

A Plain Turkey?

With apologies to Benjamin Zephaniah and Dominic Rivron...

Was your turkey a nice one this Christmas?
Or was it on the bland side of delish?
Did you pep up its flavour with chestnuts
And some cranberry sauce in a dish?

Did the stuffing enhance its aroma?
Did the gravy disguise its dry meat?
Did the bread sauce improve its coarse texture?
Were the roast parsnips all you could eat?

Whether carnivore, veggie or vegan
I'm sure everyone would consent
That without all these lipsmacking trimmings
It would not seem like money well spent.

So next time just break the convention
And let all those turkeys run free,
Just pluck up the guts to make cutlets of nuts
With a jus of red wine and strong brie.

(Verses for vegetarians only)

Even lawyers like turkey-shaped soya,
And accountants coo over cous-cous,
Lords, ladies and louts like marsala-soaked sprouts,
Music teachers love cauliflower mousse.

All classes of people like cabbage
Fried up with some crisco not lard;
And if you're a goer, try spiced-up quinoa -
To cook it ain't really that hard.

(Verse for carnivores only)

Was your turkey a nice one this Christmas?
If it wasn't try roast ox next year,
Or a belly of hog or a spit-roasted dog
Or the rump of a well -fattened steer.


The grizzled but still incorrigible scribe himself! said...

Actually, Solitary, my Christmas meats (no vegetarians here!) were the traditional—in our house—goose and ham. Turkey was Thanksgiving. And not a dry, tasteless, semi-cardboard turkey, either…not since I began an overnight brine soak prior to roasting. Twenty-two pounds, golden brown, juicy, tasty, succulent…delicious.

Guests hunched over their plates of sliced light or dark, tucked in and serious, and might have produced the occasional growl should a fellow guest hovering too close while stabbing a pickle or ladling out gravy for the potatoes or dressing.

You'd have had to look elsewhere for your poetical inspiration. But you'd have been well fed in the meantime. :)

The Solitary Walker said...

Grizzled, that sounds absolutely wonderful - I have a kind of Rembrandt painting image of your evocative description.

My own lighter than light verse for purely pastiche purposes only..!

Not vegetarian, myself, as my Camino meals testify - but each to his own beliefs.

Mmmm... must try that overnight soaking technique :)

Raph G. Neckmann said...

I'll have some marsala-soaked sprouts please!

This is brilliant - is there a tune to it too?

Dominic Rivron said...

Good one. Thanks for the plug. Went for the nut cutlet myself. Though a music teacher, I can't say I've ever tried "cauliflower mousse". Is there such a thing?

The Solitary Walker said...

No tune, Ralph - but, on reading it over again, the rhythm seems to have an echo of Stanley Holloway's rendition of 'The Lion and Albert'!

Cauliflower mousse a mere figment of my imagination, Dominic - like pickled onion yoghurt and beetroot flavoured crisps. Though, having said that,I have no doubt we'll probably find it as a new line in Holland & Barrett before long! Remember - you heard it here first.

The Solitary Walker said...

PS Marsala-soaked sprouts, however - it's a genuine recipe, one of the goddess Nigella's. In fact we had it on Christmas Day with chestnut purée. I have always loved sprouts - can't see what all the fuss is about, people not liking them!

The Solitary Walker said...

I've just realised it's New Year's Eve! I'm not normally up all night, but couldn't sleep - worried about my father who's now being transferred from hospital to a respite home.

Raph G. Neckmann said...

Sorry to hear your father is ill - our thoughts are with you.