A common man marvels at uncommon things. A wise man marvels at the commonplace. CONFUCIUS

Monday, 16 November 2009

I Recently Turned 55. Practically A Third Of My Life Is Over.

Although I wasn't exactly overjoyed to receive The Little Book Of Wrinklies' Wit And Wisdom as one of my 55th birthday presents last Friday (considering myself, if not pubertal, then only just entering early middle age), some of its collected wisecracks, I found, were very funny...

I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm pleased to be anywhere. GEORGE BURNS

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don't mind, age doesn't matter. SATCHEL PAIGE

The three ages of man: youth, middle age, and 'You're looking wonderful!' DORE SCHARY

Growing old is like being increasingly penalized for a crime you haven't committed. ANTHONY POWELL

You know you're getting old when you go on holiday and always pack a sweater. DENIS NORDEN

You know you're getting old when you're dashing through Marks and Spencer's, spot a pair of Dr Scholl's sandals, stop, and think, hmmm, they look comfy. VICTORIA WOOD

I don't feel old. In fact I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. BOB HOPE

Old is when your wife says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Honey, I can't do both.' RED BUTTONS

Mick Jagger told me the wrinkles on his face were laughter lines, but nothing is that funny. GEORGE MELLY

I don't eat health foods. At my age I need all the preservative I can get. GEORGE BURNS

You gotta stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is. ELLEN DEGENERES

By the time you're 80 years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it. GEORGE BURNS

My grandmother is over 80 and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks straight out of the bottle. HENNY YOUNGMAN

Sometimes it's fun to sit in your garden and try to remember your dog's name. STEVE MARTIN

If I had my life over again, I'd make the same mistakes - only sooner. TALLULAH BANKHEAD

At age 20, we worry about what others think of us; at 40, we don't care what they think of us; at 60 we discover they haven't ben thinking of us at all. BOB HOPE

Your kids will forgive you someday. Of course, by then you'll be dead. SOPHIA PETRILLO

Always be nice to your children, because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. PHYLLIS DILLER

- To what do you attribute your long life? - To the fact that I haven't died yet. INTERVIEWER and SIR MALCOLM SERGENT

Now that I'm 78, I do tantric sex because it's very slow. My favourite position is called the plumber. You stay in all day, but nobody comes. JOHN MORTIMER

They say such lovely things about people at their funerals, it's a shame I'm going to miss mine by just a few days. BOB MONKHOUSE

I told my wife I want to be cremated. She's planning a barbecue. RODNEY DANGERFIELD

Don't ever save anything for a special occasion. Being alive is the special occasion. AVRIL SLOE

12 comments:

The-Grizzled-But-Still-Incorrigible-Scribe-Himself! said...

Fifty-five isn't old! You can't even glimpse old from fifty-five. Old is when you read that quote from Avril Sloe and know it's possibly the wisest thought ever uttered.

When you're old, you wouldn't think of using the adjective form of puberty in a sentence describing yourself—even historically. When you're old, you play this song (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3_6I50oXAVM) to regain your self-respect.

THAT'S OLD! You, my friend, are just coming off boil and fixin' to simmer for a good long while.

Happy birthday!

Raph G. Neckmann said...

Happy Birthday SW!

Love the quotes, especially the Bob Hope 'noon' one - though that just about describes my whole life!

Time to follow those dreams you mention in your Endless Renewal post ... Stick your neck out for 'em!

The Solitary Walker said...

Thanks both for your comments! That song was a scream, Grizzled. Age is all in the mind, for sure. I've met 90 year olds who were more like sprightly and youthful 40 year olds and 20 year olds who were so world-weary they seemed like manically depressed pensioners on tranquillizers. I always seem to feel a good 10 - 15 years younger than my actual age.

Raph - do you know, I think I will follow them! (Last time on this blog that someone - it was Grassweaver - suggested I might be going on another Camino walk, I actually did it a few weeks later...) Watch this space.

Anonymous said...

Oh dear god do you owe me! A make over for the makeup that got washed off from tears of laughter and a new outfit for the one I've damn near peed in!! Thank You one and all, you've now idea how perfectly you have made my day in my small hell hole of a cubicle on the western side of the pond!! Many many thanks. Perhaps I won't strangle co-workers today. Tomorrow..maybe today.. no! Karin

The Weaver of Grass said...

Unfortunately, from my advanced age, all those sayings have real meaning.

gleaner said...

I love these quotes - and it really underlines seeing ageing as just another funny and absurd thing that happens to us.

A few years ago when I was between houses I started carrying odds and ends around in a plastic bag - a close friend said I was becoming one of those old ladies that carry their keys and belongings in plastic bags. I was only in my late 30s too. At the same time she noted I was drinking warm water and added that it was another thing old people do for their bowels. We had a good laugh about it and I made an extra effort not to look like a bag lady and stopped drinking warm water!

Happy Birthday!!

The Solitary Walker said...

Glad we made your day, Anon! Now you take it easy. I feel guilty - just send me the cleaning bill.

Gleaner - if you don't know it already, do track down Jenny Joseph's poem 'Warning' which begins 'When I am an old woman I shall wear purple.' Kind of apposite. (BTW, I'm a strong believer in sipping warm water for indigestion, but it must be drunk from the furthest side of the cup to be effective.)

am said...

Happy Birthday, solitary walker!

Love your sense of humor (-:

"Being alive is the special occasion."

Rachel Fox said...

Belated birthday wishes. Some great lines there.
x

verena said...

That what you really are is beyond time.

Love

JIM said...

Agree with all of the above..How come you have time to do all the walking in the Scottish landscapes??
Good on you.
Keep on walking....

The Solitary Walker said...

This was only a 3 week trip, Jim - tho' it may seem longer on the blog as I've drawn it out no end!

In fact I haven't had much time at all for walking this year as I've been working pretty solidly - often 6 days a week since ist March. However, come January I hope to have much more 'quality time' for trekking and other things...