A common man marvels at uncommon things. A wise man marvels at the commonplace. CONFUCIUS

Tuesday, 25 September 2012


Nigella's back! Was I dreaming, or did she really recommend dropping uncooked chips into cold oil the other night? And surely one of her recipes didn't involve frying a clove of garlic topped with a few chilli flakes then dolloping a can of tomatoes and a raw egg on top? Good grief, I've just googled, and find I'm absolutely right. Though I could easily not have been, as I wasn't concentrating on the actual cookery all that much.


Oh I beg you open up your pantry door, Nigella,
For I'm helpless and I'm rolling on the floor, Nigella.
Your peaches with whipped cream
Are the best I'm ever seen
And your sticky buns a middle-aged man's dream, Nigella.

Please activate me like a frothy yeast, Nigella.
You'll soon find out if I am man or beast, Nigella.
If you pummel me like dough
Then I'll very nearly know
That you love me just a little bit at least, Nigella.

When I see you standing at the cooking hob, Nigella,
You're sweeter than the corn upon the cob, Nigella.
Forget the boring ninnies
In their shapeless, stripey pinnies —
Your black dress and high heels are just the job, Nigella.

When I watch you drooling over a hot wok, Nigella,
My desire becomes much firmer than a rock, Nigella.
You can wash me, you can dry me,
You can stir me, you can fry me,
You can blitz me and then turn me into stock, Nigella.

I don't care if you serve melons or a fig, Nigella,
Or cabbage with a juicy slice of pig, Nigella,
Or chocolate with pak choi
Or a tasty saveloy —
My appetite would always be this big, Nigella.

So weigh me in your kitchen scales of love, Nigella,
And slip me on just like an oven glove, Nigella.
If you went, what would I do?
(Rachel Khoo is sexy too,
But she isn't as voluptuous as you, Nigella.)

Nigellissima, BBC2

The Little Paris Kitchen: Cooking with Rachel Khoo, BBC2


Suman said...

Haha! This jump-started my morning, Robert. The woman is a sorceress, isn't she?! ;-)

Dominic Rivron said...

You can't beat Phyllis Pechey's purple piped potato if you ask me. :)

The Solitary Walker said...

Glad to have brightened up your morning, Suman! A sorceress — indeed she is.

Fanny Cradock frightens me to death, Dominic — but yes, you're right, her purple piped potato was seminal.

Ruth said...

I heard she can't resist clever poets!

The Solitary Walker said...

Anad I can't resist full stop, Ruth!

The Weaver of Grass said...

You don't stand much of a chance Robert - not as Saatchi has all that dosh (not that she needs it) - I think her stash of cookery books would just about fill our house. I watch the recipes, David has his eye firmly fixed on her cleavage although he would die rather than admit it!

Love the poem though - send it to her.

The Solitary Walker said...

First the silage, then the cleavage, Pat. And always in that order. Once a farmer, always a farmer!

Nick said...

Mmmm, time to go for a little lie down, I think. Hope you feel better in the morning.

Amanda said...

brilliant paean to the original kitchen goddess - this gives new meaning to the term food porn - haha ;)

Friko said...

I left Beloved to drool over her and removed myself from the scene.
I was afraid I'd laugh too hard at her antics to allow him to enjoy his secret thoughts.

Is it men who buy her cookbooks too?

The Solitary Walker said...

Nick, I slept it off, you'll be glad to know.

Thanks Amanda!

I haven't bought any of her cookbooks myself, Friko, as I prefer the recipes of the cleavage-lite Nigel Slater, Rick Stein and Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall.

Anonymous said...

I had the hots for her too, despite her thick accent. Very tasty woman - till on another show the camera showed her backside. I was astonished at how much of a turnoff this was. A very hefty woman and her bum did look huge.

I suppose most of you don't mind!

A nice bit of fun poetry...

Another solitary walker.

The Solitary Walker said...

Horses for courses, Anon. (Though I think she sticks to pork, beef and chicken.)