Good evening. Here is the news
and weather forecast. Before long
an iceberg the size of a small country
will break off from the Arctic ice sheet
and, due to a combination of freak winds
and fey currents, drift towards Britain.
When it encounters the warmer Gulf Stream
it will melt quickly; sea levels will rise
by several metres, flooding major rivers,
coastal plains and marshes, sea ports, harbours,
London, Lincolnshire, the whole of Essex.
The advice of the Government, the BBC,
the Daily Mail, Nigel Farage and Michael Fish
is to move at once to higher ground,
remembering to take your family with you,
also your smartphones and your laptops,
your tablets and other digital devices,
so that you may continue twitting, tweeting,
bragging and blogging as usual.
Oh, and don’t forget a few essential books
on lateral thinking, micro-economics,
the Kabbalah, Japanese cuisine
and how to build a simple shelter.
This will be a bad time for river meadows,
lowland wild flowers, fenland rhubarb fields
and valley-dwelling human beings;
but cetaceans, cod, coral and naval warfare
could make a comeback.
I must also warn you that
it’s probable at some point in the future
an asteroid will crash into the Earth,
causing extinction of the larger mammals
but, eventually, a dinosaur revival.
Then, as the sun burns out,
the polar ice will freeze again
and glaciers grind and carve up the UK
so implacably, even the dinosaurs
will find it hard going.
However, the immediate prospect
for tomorrow and the next few days
is an unsettled week of sun and showers
with the occasional volcanic rumble
in Milton Keynes, not ruling out
the possibility of seismic shocks
in Sheffield, tornadoes in Tunbridge Wells
and a tsunami at Bognor Regis.
That’s all for now. I wish you all
good night. And I look forward
to seeing those of you who are still here
tomorrow evening, when I’ll be wearing
a figure-hugging, sexy little number
barely containing my ample contours.
So, gentlemen, take note, and keep an eye
upon your barometric pressure.