Ten Things I Have Learnt About Christmas Over the Years

Our Weihnachtspyramid, bought in Siegen, Germany, 25 years ago. 

1. A glass of sherry with a mince pie before Christmas dinner, and a glass of port with a nub of Stilton afterwards, are marriages made in heaven. But don't overindulge. They are so special, and so richly comforting, that repeat orders always fail to deliver, and leave one too satiated.

2. The guests you would like to stay longer always leave early; but the guests you wish would leave early always stay longer — sometimes for days, or even a week.

3. The majority of gifts you receive mildly disappoint, or even greatly so (but you are too polite, of course, to say anything other than 'How wonderful! It's what I've always wanted!')

4. The majority of gifts you give attract lukewarm thanks, or even hypocritically effusive acclamation. (You think: why don't you appreciate the finer things in life, you ungrateful bastards? I would die for such a gift!)

5. The earlier the you buy the Christmas wine, the more chance there is that there's not bottle left on Christmas Eve, and you have to find an open-all-hours shop to purchase some execrable bottles of red, which will hardly impress the in-laws on Christmas Day.

6. Those most indispensable items — the corkscrew and the nutcracker — mysteriously disappear, only to reappear behind the sofa when the necks of wine bottles and assorted human teeth have been irreparably shattered.

7. The Christmas movies Santa Clause 3, Jingle All The Way and Reindeer Games do not improve from one Christmas to the next.

8. The period from the end of Advent to Epiphany is so long that it seems like the whole of spring, summer and autumn combined.       

9. One's own family seems embarrassingly and uniquely eccentric, until one visits one's friends and sees their own intimate circle at close quarters.

10. Do not complain when the inebriated person who's drawn the straw to cook Christmas dinner forgets to make the bread sauce (ooh, my favourite) and drops gravy onto people's laps while serving. Take it all in good spirits and have another drink.

A MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL MY BLOG READERS!